"We used to know her as Lesbo Leslie" Tom said Toni.

Tom giggled and Toni lay across the sofa thinking about how funny it would be to be a seven year old lesbian. It was a part of life and little Leslie knew nothing different. Sometimes the old religious people were a little stand offish, but most people didn't care. Leslie was just glad that those old homophobes were dying out. Harsh, but true. Tom was the only one who would vocalise it.

Meanwhile Paul O'Grady was back in Liverpool on a break from filming with the dogs of Battersea. Paul, like Tom and Toni was thinking about gayisms and during his classless thoughts, he cast his mind back to Eurovision 2012. Now our Paul may not be a known ESC centre piece, but he had his loyalty. Every year Paul would sit with the dogs and the upper class bankers to watch the great competition and revel in its former glory. Paul was never one to label people, but gay as he was, he thought that Loreen was HOT.

"Do you reckon they have fiveways?" asked Paul, referring to Loreen, Rona Nishliu and the three Azeribanese, I mean Azerbajer, I mean Ajerzibani presenters.

"Of course," said Christine, "Obama says it's OK and One Direction do it so there's no problem. Also, you're a homosexual, girl!"

Paul thought about it. He was, of course, a homosexual, and Kristina the Finn from 2013 was his idol. He particularly enjoyed the line "I'm your slave and you're my master" from her song 'Marry Me'. It was a popular song. Popular, popular, popular.

Forget the Russians, gay marriage is just fine and dandy.

It's very political this post. Yeah I do it for you..

Toni never had anything to add, but her skills lay elsewhere.

Lenny turned his back to the group. As adorable as he was, he was a grumpy old man and preferred noting more than to bury his nose intot he purple rug that Christine and Toni had bought from Homebase many moons ago.

Tom had a wee, whilst thinking about Isreal and candles at the same time as chewing something that Christine just couldn't put her finger on. just as well really as Toms teeth were sharp.

Toni giggled, finally as she felt euph

Once upon a time, back across the ages, when things were simpler and the ocean was still full of fresh water, the inhabitants of the small village of London, Australia, were wondering what on earth was going on.

The ground was shaking, the kangaroos were hopping like mad and the mountains in the distance seemed to be getting further away...

The villagers watched as the small piece of land they had built their homes on detached itself from the continent and drifted further and further out to sea.

They sailed for many moons across the seven seas until eventually this small village found itself making its way up the Thames estuary in what would one day be England.

Eventually, the village became wedged against a river bank and there the villagers settled, founding the city that would one day become the capital of the United Kingdom.

And that is why, to this day, all Londoners have Australian accents.

It was from this fair city, several years later, that some bright spark had the idea to build a boat. They didn't call it a boat, of course, because boats hadn't been invented yet, but the launch of this first wooden vessel gave birth to the international shipping industry.

As the oceans still contained fresh water, thirst was not a problem. However, as the shipping industry expanded the sailors were faced with a different problem...

As boats were primarily male domains (the women stayed on land to plough the land and found universities), sexual frustration was rife. As tissues had not yet been invented, ship captains were struggling to decide what to do with the mess left after excessive masturbation by the sailors.

Eventually, after a conference of the Captains' Union, a decree was passed that all seamen had to masturbate overboard, allowing their semen to be deposited in the sea. This tradition continues to this very day.

As the years passed, however, the sheer amount of sperm being discarded into the ocean had an unintended consequence.

And that is how the world's seas came (no pun intended) to be salty.

Back on land, a French woman had recently moved with her young son to the city of London, UK (formerly Australia).

Her husband had been lost at sea, many Londoners were away at war and the milkman had been castrated.

The French woman was therefore sexually frustrated and was looking for something to pleasure herself with. Cucumbers were unheard of in those days and a butternut squash was pushing it a bit...

Then she had an epiphany. Her local Avon representative had recently left her a sample of some new hair rollers, made of a mass of absorbent material to help the hair dry.

As she inserted it between her legs, the French woman knew she had made the right choice. However, as soon as it was fully inserted she felt the rumblings. Her monthly cycle had begun.

Unfortunately, she had disposed of her old menstruation rags the previous week during the annual spring clean. She therefore had no option but to leave the hair roller inside her as she hurried off to market.

After buying some new rags, along with the garlic and onions that are an obligatory part of any French woman's shopping list, she made her way home to sort out her lady area.

To her surprise, when she removed the hair roller, the mass of absorbent material had absorbed all of her womanly juices.

"Ooh la la!" she cried, "I must patent this invention tout de suite!"

And that she did, thus giving rise to a sanitary product indispensable to modern women to this day.

She named the invention after her dearest, darling son: Tampon.

THE END.