No matter how hard they tried, Xena would not be woken.

She lay over Toni's lap like a deadweight, snoring, huffing, puffing and occasionally scratching behind her ear as she was lost in her dreamworld-cum-coma.

Tom was still angry that Christine had hidden the salted gin from him.

"What on earth are you talking about? Bonnie gatecrashing a wedding? Toni and Xena playing a huge part in it?" he asked Christine, who had assumed the brace position in the armchair and was quietly sobbing to herself.

"We must wake Xena, we must wake Xena," she moaned.

"But why? I don't understand!" said Tom.

"Thomas, sit back, relax... I will tell you the story," announced Toni.

And it went a little something like this...

It was at that point that Xena began to stir...

TBC

Boom-bang-a-crash-boom-bang!

And just like that, Eurovision is over for another year.

Thursday's dinner and gin, that's how it started.  Toni was warbling "bring back my Bonnie to me".  Tom was shaking it like a polaroid picture.  Christine was in a state of sheer euphoria.  All three were flying the flag.  To Stockport and back.

"How the f*** did we spend £90 in Morrison's???"

The answer was on a postcard.  A postcard that never arrived.

Flags, bunting, skull caps and wigs - that's what Saturdays are made of.

"Bluhdy 'ell!" thought Lenjamin Button, the Yorkshire-nese Yorkshire Terrier, "what on urth ah these bluhdy crahzy peepul up to nah?!"  I have a squeaky duck for him sat beside my stereo.  Remind me.

Jedward and a quarter of ABBA opened the door to the (previously unknown) third Jedward twin.  Triplet?!  Quick, phone 'the Sun'!  Also on the agenda was Bonnie Tyler, the dentist herself!  And two more quarters of ABBA (the fourth member eluded them... never mind, they can have one of the Jedward triplets).  Also a German in his lederhosen, who came carrying hot dogs with... wait for it... Sarah Brightman.  And plenty of plain-clothed police officers.

The surprise they had all been waiting for.*

Will Cheadle Hulme Precinct really be the venue for Eurovision 2015?  Probably.

Voting... on both sides of the screen, though Europe is apparently much more political than South Manchester.  Additionally, furthermore and moreover, we agreed for the first time... Denmark!

Cue rapturous applause, another gin, a scratch behind the ears and a bizarre concoction of potato, cream cheese, Irish cream and grated cheddar.  Bake at Gas Mark 5 for 20 minutes and Bob's your uncle, Fanny's your aunt, and Bonnie's your 19th-place Eurovision entrant.

Chitter chatter, chitter chatter.  We are fervently PRO gay marriage on this side of the street.  Potato skins... yum!  I refuse to write "nom" because it is quite frankly an awful word.  Additionally, furthermore and moreover, it's not even a word.

Taxi, bed, sleep, hangover, and we'll end where we began.

No, not in Ajerziban!  Ajerzi-where?!  Ajerziban!

We'll end where we began.

Boom-bang-a-crash-boom-bang!



*The surprise.  We are in a band.  We never said we could sing.  What the hey?!  YOLO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Back at the home hub, Toni and Tom had just about finished covering Christine's entire bedroom with photographs of the trio in Speedos, bikinis and surfer shorts from their various holidays over the years; there was a particularly fetching one that served as the centrepiece of the collage in which the trio were wearing their leopard-print mankinis and bending over a plastic table chewing on halloumi.
"And that is that," breathed Toni as she slapped the last bit of paste onto the wall, "a collage fit for a foreign ambas... I mean a princess!"
"What? You were going to say foreign ambassador?!" interjected Tom, "Toni, why exactly has Christine been in Europe?"
"Well, it was supposed to be a secret, but the fumes from this paste have got me high, and I feel I should share," said Toni.  "Christine hasn't been on a leisure holiday... she's been on a business trip to organise the European branch of the political wing of Tochto in order to get us some well-deserved votes from the Eastern bloc in Eurovision 2014!"
"Well that's tickety-boo!" sang Tom into an inflatable microphone he found under Christine's bed, "but why on earth did you want to keep it a secret?"
"Well," sighed Toni, "her methods are somewhat... unconventional..."

Christine leant back, scratched herself and then scratched Boris Johnson behind the ears.
If Gail Platt the customs official had caught her, the whole European trip would have been in vain.  Gail and Christine had a history, but the less said about that the better.  Luckily, she had manage to drag Boris, her lemons and her suitcases into a taxi and she was well on her way back to the home hub.
Boris was gently squeezing her lemons and she was feeling thoroughly satisfied. What a successful trip! The president of Albania had been... well... suitably impressed, and she was sure she had secured enough votes for an eventual Eurovision victory.  Who said the contest wasn't about politics?
As the taxi pulled up outside the house she looked forward to filling Tom and Toni in on her European adventure, but that sense of impending excitement quickly turned into a feeling of bemusement and horror when she saw that an ageing transvestite wearing a spandex jumpsuit and a cheap wig appeared to be standing guard at the front door...

PREVIOUSLY...

Eva Longoria, cursed as a child to spend her summers as a coach driving around the Algarve, met Loreen, Eurovision sensation, who agreed to help her to break the curse.

PART 2

Eva Longoria the coach sighed and scuffed her wheels against the tarmac.  She hadn't heard from Loreen in several weeks and, though the summer season was drawing to a close and she would soon return to her beautiful human form, she knew in her heart that this could be her last chance to break the curse forever.

"Perhaps it's because I didn't know who she was? How was I as an American citizen supposed to know the winner of the Eurovision Song Contest?" she said to herself out loud, causing a passing Portuguese paralympian (how's that for alliteration?) to scream and run off down the road, breaking the 100m world record.  A bloody talking coach!

It had been an odd Summer.  Strangely enjoyable.  The hope of finally breaking the curse had made her realise that she would miss carrying tourists around the Algarve in some bizarre way.  Hope was fading fast though, and Eva wondered if she would ever see Loreen again...

~~~

Loreen sighed and scuffed her shoes against the tarmac of the playground.  She had hoped to get away from it all after weeks of hard work following her Eurovision win.  Instead, she found herself jetting around the globe trying to help Eva Longoria, the Hollywood actress, to break a curse that meant she spent her summers as a bus.  You couldn't make it up!

However, though somewhat annoyed that her holiday had been disturbed, Loreen felt a deep sense of self-satisfaction in helping Eva.  After all, was her mission in life not to bring euphoria to every man, woman, beast and mode of transport?  Forever until the end of time taking them up, up, up, up, up...

Her quest had taken her to the four corners of the globe.  Not that a globe has corners, of course.  It's a globe.  She had talked bigotry with Nick Clegg, spat on Mitt Romney, crossed the Australian outback in a kangaroo's pouch, admired Oscar Pistorius's transtibial prostheses in South Africa, campaigned for the release of Pussy Riot and walked the Great Wall of China whilst advising Apple on the design of the iPhone 5.  Phew!  All in two months!

All of her efforts had yielded no success though, and now she found herself in the playground of an American elementary school, hoping to get an audience with the school's pet guinea pig, terrapin and duckling.  The bell marking the end of classes rang and she made her way inside for her meeting with the Wonderpets...

~~~

Eva had a strict 'no animals' policy, so when Linny, Tuck and Ming-Ming boarded her she was not impressed.  When Loreen stepped onboard after them, however, the sheer sense of relief washed away all the bad feelings.

"Loreen!" she cried, wishing she could hug the Swedish singer but realising that would be somewhat impractical given that she was currently made of metal and her arms had been transformed into wheels.

"Eva," said Loreen, gazing into the rear-view mirror, "I have travelled the world to find a way to break your curse.  It has been a long, hard journey but I think that I have found the answer in these three creatures... they go by the name of the Wonderpets and they are here to save you..."

"What's going to work?" squeaked a little voice.

"TEAMWORK!" sang two other little voices.

With that, Linny the guinea pig, Tuck the terrapin and Ming-Ming the duckling began to nibble away at Eva's soft and hard furnishings as if they were a large piece of tasty celery.

Seconds... minutes... hours passed...  Loreen almost fell asleep but kept herself awake by giving an impromptu rendition of Euphoria to the passing Portuguese people.  As she sang the final word she turned around to make sure Eva was all right.

But the coach had gone.

In its place lay a beautiful Latina woman, chomping on a stick of celery with three small animals.

The Wonderpets had broken the curse.

~~~

Eva Longoria looked at her watch and sighed.  The flight would be leaving in less than an hour.  She stood up and wandered over to the bookstore so she could stretch her legs before the long journey from Lisbon to New York.  She had been making this journey at the end of every summer for as long as she could remember.

This journey, however, would be her last.

Thanks to the kindness of a Swedish Eurovision superstar and the bravery of three classroom pets the curse that had haunted her since she was a little girl had been broken.  In the future she would be spending her summers as a real woman.

There was just one word to describe the state that she was in.

Euphoria.

~~~

At Faro Airport Loreen brushed her hair out of her face for what must have been the hundredth time that day.  She looked into the mirror in the Ladies' toilets and smiled.

Although the summer had not been what she expected it to be, she felt fulfilled.  With the help of the Wonderpets she had saved Eva Longoria from a lifelong curse.

There was just one word to describe the state that she was in.

Euphoria.

~~~

Toni, Christine and Tom were drinking their wine and celebrating.  The events of the summer involving Eva Longoria, Loreen and the Wonderpets had inspired them to write Tochto's Eurovision entry together.

Teamwork.

There was just one word to describe the state that they were in.

Euphoria.

Watch out Eurovision 2013... they're going u-u-u-u-u-u-up!

THE END

"Pull your finger out!" screamed Toni.

Christine farted in moist anticipation... She really wanted a Fanta.

Tom's fingers danced about the keyboard like a spider doing the polkadot dandy spider twist.

Lenny snorted in delighty, cocking his leg and shitting on the carpet.

This is what we have returned to... the post-holiday blues and the naked men strutting across Tom's living room, like Sunita on helium, sweating her bollocks off.

And herein lies the problem.  Sunita and Dev are no more.  Ian has returned.  Hazell Dean, August 1984, Number 1.  Inspired by GAY DISCO!

We will persevere though... Tochto are in for the duration.  We are in the process of writing our first album and the first track is to be called "The riverdance of the stream of dreams".  Bo ya!

Many thanks to Ms. Malka R. M. Rowley of Chorlton Green for her continual inspiration on the matter.

And so they go on, back to the future, one more time, baby, thinking, always... "You're a vision".  Dot com.

Eva Longoria looked at her watch and sighed.  The flight would be leaving in less than an hour.  She stood up and wandered over to the bookstore so she could stretch her legs before the long journey from New York to Lisbon.  She had been making this journey at the start of every summer for as long as she could remember.A book caught her eye in the TV section... 'The Unofficial Guide to Desperate Housewives'.  Those were the happy times, the winter months spent filming on the set of Wisteria Lane, but as every spring came around she felt her heart begin to sink, for she knew what was coming.

And at the start of every summer, without fail, she made the same journey she had been making since she had first been cursed...

~~~

At Manchester Airport Loreen brushed her hair out of her face for what must have been the hundredth time that day.  She looked into the mirror in the Ladies' toilets and smiled.

Life since winning Eurovision 2012 in Baku had been hectic: she had reached number one in several countries and had been performing Euphoria across Europe pretty much ever since.  Most recently she had visited Canal Street to spread a bit of her love to the Mancunian LGBT community.

But now she was finally escaping for a few days.  She had told her manager that she needed a break and promptly booked a RyanAir flight from Manchester to Faro as, of course, every Swedish person goes on holiday to Portugal.  Fact.

Her flight was being called.  She took a deep breath and made her way to the priority boarding queue...

~~~

As she stepped into the warmth of the Portuguese sun, Eva Longoria was mobbed by fans; she was, of course, famous across the world. 

"Why are you in Portugal, Eva?" "How long are you staying for?" "Where are you going?" they shouted.

"I'm here for my annual summer trip to the Algarve," she replied, trying her best to make her way through the crowds.

"I'm a taxi driver, would you like me to drive you there?  Free of charge of course!" asked one man dressed in a purple uniform.

"I have arranged my own transport," she replied, "but thank you anyway; now if you would all mind standing back a bit..."

And there, outside Lisbon airport, to the shock of the Portuguese bystanders, Eva Longoria, that vision of beauty, turned into a bus...

~~~

Loreen smiled a tight smile at the flight attendant.

"No, I do not want a scratchcard," she said.

~~~

As she chugged along the motorway Eva Longoria thought about the predicament she found herself in.  Whilst on holiday as a child her radiant beauty had upset a Portuguese witch she had run into.  The old witch was so consumed with jealousy that she cursed Eva to spend the rest of her summers driving around the Algarve as a coach.

Over the years she had got used to turning into a large metal object once a year, and sometimes she almost enjoyed the heat of the sun on her roof and the coolness of the air conditioning inside her.  However, she much preferred her Hollywood lifestyle and wished she could spend her entire year as an actress, model and former stand-up comedienne.

As she turned into Faro airport she vowed to herself that this would be the year that she broke the curse...

~~~

After clearing passport control and customs, Loreen headed towards the bus that would transfer her to Albufeira. It was a fine looking mode of transport: long, shiny and multi-coloured with 'EVA' written in large capital letters along the side.  Loreen thought for a moment that this might be the coach's name but then laughed to herself.  Coaches didn't have names!

The driver stowed her suitcase and she boarded, making her way to the back seat where, she hoped, she wouldn't be recognised.  She sat down and put her head in her hands, preparing to meditate.

As she did though, she suddenly felt a very strange sensation, as if the very metal around her was calling her name.  She shook her head, opened her eyes and looked around her.  'It must be all this travelling going to my head', she thought to herself, and returned to her meditation position.

As she entered deeper into her special place, however, she felt her conscience connect with the coach...

~~~

Eva was used to having people inside her.  Thin ones, fat ones, tall ones, short ones, men, women, children...

But this passenger felt different.  Very different.  Eva Longoria felt Loreen sit down on her back seat and begin to meditate.

Their consciences connected.

"Hello," said Eva.

"Hi," replied Loreen, sounding more than a little confused. "Am I going crazy?  I know I have a strong connection to nature but I've honestly never spoken to a coach before."

"Don't worry, you're not going crazy," Eva assured her, "my name is Eva Longoria and..."

"...Eva Longoria? As in the Hollywood actress?" If she wasn't confused before, Loreen most certainly was now.

"The very same.  I was cursed as a child to spend my summers as a coach driving around the Algarve.  It's been a very lonely experience.  In fact, you are the first person I've ever been able to speak to whilst in this metallic state...  This is an opportunity I cannot miss... Please, dear stranger, will you help me to break this curse?"

Loreen was silent for a minute as she thought about the revelation this coach had just made to her.  Then, she was overcome with a sudden sense of euphoria.

"Of course I will help you, Eva Longoria."

TO BE CONTINUED...

Here we are. Another day, another dollar. Or not so, because we tend to use pounds. However, from Wednesday, we will be switching to the euro as the band embarks on the next step in their musical adventure. Like a satellite, they will orbit all around you. Sun, sea, sand, sangria, sardines, sausages, sex, Susan, snakes, snails, sofas, snorkelling, Sarah, sarcasm, and of course,  singing.  Beer is also on the list. And wine. And vodka. And possibly cider.

On their travels, they are hoping to be able to contact the Portuguese president and be accepted as Portugal's representative for Eurovision 2013. Failing this, they will begin their pilgrimage to Spain to take up their chirizo with the Spanish president, and Indiana Jones.  The odds are stacked against them. Particularly as songs in the Portuguese national final tend to be sung in the national language. Luckily, they have a phrase book.

So wish us well,

All our international love,

Tochto xxx