"Absolutely nothing!" Xena exclaimed looking at Toni. The guests diverted their stares from the bride to the two women stood in the doorway.

Xena realised she was being a bit loud, but the peach Belini was going to her head. Fast. Toni wasn't feeling the effects quite so much. She was used to the booze, and frankly, she didn't give a damn.
Christine and Tom were in the audience near the alter. Luckily Christine realised that the drink she'd left in the kitchen should not have been left there. She knew Toni would  take it and she cursed herself for making the same mistake over and over. Tom was none the wiser. He thought this performance was part of the flash mob he had secretly hired. After all, Beyoncé was one of his oldest, if not wisest friend. Bonnie was sat in-between Christine and Tom fantasising about some new knickers from Debenhams...the three for two was a wonderful offer in her opinion.

"Do you think my breasts have got smaller?" Toni asked Xena.

"Yeah, a little" Xena replied before passing out drunk on the floor.

"Oh!" Tom exclaimed, "I'm not even drunk!" He looked at Lenny... "You've got fluff on your face"

Lenny giggled

Jay Z squeezed Beyoncé's hand and passed her the salted gin as they tried to come to terms with what was going on at their wedding.  They quickly gave up and decided to copulate on the floor.

However, just as Jay Z was about to enter Beyoncé's bagel hole she cried out, "who's that sat between Christine and Tom... it's bloody Bonnie! She wasn't even invited to the bloody wedding!"

Jay Z sighed, put his schlong away and zipped his trousers up.  As this was going on, Bonnie stumbled over and, blanking Beyoncé, turned to Jay Z and said, "you should really consider cotton underwear, it's much less sweaty... Debenham's have an offer on at the moment, actually."

Beyoncé couldn't believe what she was hearing.  3 pairs of knickers for the price of 2?  Bloody bargain!  She was almost tempted to forgive Bonnie for her earlier misdemeanour but at that point, Xena came round and screamed, "Who's eaten all the fig rolls???"

"It was Bonnie...I need some apricots to get me going!" Toni cried.

With that Xena pulled her shakram out, aimed it an Bonnie and, with a flick of her wrist, it was travelling through the air towards our well-loved Welsh superstar....

TBC...

No matter how hard they tried, Xena would not be woken.

She lay over Toni's lap like a deadweight, snoring, huffing, puffing and occasionally scratching behind her ear as she was lost in her dreamworld-cum-coma.

Tom was still angry that Christine had hidden the salted gin from him.

"What on earth are you talking about? Bonnie gatecrashing a wedding? Toni and Xena playing a huge part in it?" he asked Christine, who had assumed the brace position in the armchair and was quietly sobbing to herself.

"We must wake Xena, we must wake Xena," she moaned.

"But why? I don't understand!" said Tom.

"Thomas, sit back, relax... I will tell you the story," announced Toni.

And it went a little something like this...

It was at that point that Xena began to stir...

TBC

Toni was feeling meloncholy...
"I like melons," she thought, "and I love cauliflower." 
Whilst she was pondering, Tom and Christine were in the kitchen creating one fine mess. Christine had recently seen a notification in the paper that there was to be a baking contest at the local park that weekend, and she had decided that it would be great publicity if Tochto were to win. 
"Stir in the eggs...no, no... fold in the eggs" Christine instructed Tom. Tom was growing more and more impatient, as ever since Boris Johnson had drank all of Tom's toffee gin, Tom had had to put up with being sober.
"stop chewing so loudly!" he snapped at Lenny.
"I can't help it, i'm a dog", Lenny barked. 
Suddenly, there she was, as bringht as day. Xena warrior Princess was stood in the kitchen doorway.
"My goodness" Tom thought aloud... "I'm not even drunk!".

Xena folded her arms, leant against the door frame and smirked. It had been a while since she had seen three such talented people. "They'd make great warriors, like me...and that Lenny, " she thought to herself.  

I think she was about to say something, but before she could hollor out her war cry, Toni crept up beind our fetid hero and jumped on her back, knocking her to the floor. Unfortunatly for Xena, Christine had left her mechano all over the place, and the impact of landing on that was less than comfortable.

"Pass me the gin!" Tom cried. In the panic. Forgetting what Christine had promised herself, she opened the cake tin and pulled out the emergency gin rations. "It's salted but..."

Tom was firslty relieved to be able to tip the bottle back and lose himself in his secret Eurovision world. However, once the tonic had hit his lungs, he felt betrayed that Christine had hidden it from him in the first place.

"Why...?" he started...


"It's a long story", Christine replied, "It all started after Bonnie gatecrashed the wedding...but first, we need to wake Xena up. Her and Toni played a huge part in it all..." 

Toni gulped, fated, belched and giggled. "Oh Tom, you're #hashtag going to love it"

TBC...